Why Germany is King, Part-II

Continuing my last post on the topic, I will now proceed to point out why Germany is better than other prominent footballing nations and why any sane person must support Das Vaterland.

For the benefit of you, the reader, I will outline it in an elegant, yet simple numbered format, where I will compare Germany versus-
1. Brasil- There has till date only been one likeable Brasillian. Ronaldo. Barring this dude, all Brasilians either smile too much (Ronaldinho) or look gay (Kaka).  The great Pele too is an outspoken, politically motivated FIFA puppet.

Bitch-slapped by Sepp Blatter and Maradona.

2. Argentina- If there was a country that came second to Germany, it was Argentina. Till Messi came along. Now don't get me wrong, the chap has talent. But he seems to Europeanised and out of sorts in the national team. He inserts an 'I' in the team.

3. England- They ruled over us and half the world. The slimy bastards. People who support England should be shot for treason. Besides, they never have any decent strikers. And Rooney isn't a striker.

Rooney is Jesus.

4.  The Netherlands- Arjen Robben.

5. Italy- They used to have flair, and played up-tempo football. Now they jut foul people they can't match for pace, and rely on set pieces to get them the goals they need. Italy are in need of another Totti and Del Piero.

These two were special, no doubt.

6. Spain- They used to be everyone's favourite underdog. But now that they've joined the big leagues, their imperious style of play is just irritating. Spain is like Enrique Iglesias, perfect in each respect. And that's why you hate them.

Anything that reaches the green box is a shot attempt. True story.

7. Portugal- They rely on CR7. And Ronaldo doesn't put his heart and soul into it. He just likes statistics (ie. goals). He forgets the mantra most coaches in any sport preach. A good offense might win you a match, but defense wins championships.

Won't run back on defense. Won't score enough goals.

8. France- The only good thing that ever came out of France is French Kissing. Trust a Toad to know how to use the tongue. They're a squabbly bunch of girls. Or were, under Domenech. But I believe a resurgence is at hand.

9. Rest of the World- There are some teams that occasionally show spirit, Uruguay for example, even Russia. But they've not been consistent enough in the recent past to be considered. So, screw them.


Germany rocks. And now you know why.

50% of the world's female population have a crush on Michael Ballack. So do 20% of men.

Usernames and Passwords

Hands up if you have more usernames and passwords than you can bear to remember. Lets not lie, even the most hyper-organised people in the world have accounts they can't access anymore, or don't want to.
Internet came at the wrong age for us folks in our early 20's. Age wise, it was too late for us to wait and learn from other people's mistakes, and too early to be mature enough to know we'll never need more than one of everything.
Therefore, we chose the most ridiculous names up, and created an e-mail account on every service known to mankind. Yahoo was popular for a while, because you could talk to girls you'd never otherwise meet on Messenger. Then came GMail, with the revolutionary concept of ever increasing memory. Not that our e-mail accounts would ever go beyond a few hundred MB, but we just wanted it cause everyone cool had one. Then I went and got a hotmail id, the one I'm most embarrassed of, because Bhatia was Indian, and that was the thing at that time.

Dude has 'douche' written all over his smug face.

Then one by one I misplaced most passwords, once I was foolish enough to actually post it online, and dare people to change the password. Of course they did. And I never found out who. I had the weirdest thing for having z's in my usernames.
I must tell you the dumbest username I ever had. It was jazzasszilla. No, really. I don't have any jazzasszilla accounts left, thank God. But that was the nerdiest, most pretentious username ever. I made jazzasszilla's all over the place, I wrote online reviews on sites like MouthShut (now obsolete) and List of Bests. It was not my proudest moment, I accept.

Me, at 15 years old.

So, eventually I ended up with about 5 e-mail id's, and not one of them had a name I would care to be associated with now.
So I created my final id. At GMail. And then another. And then a last one given to me by the college. So, as of this moment, I have 7 active usernames. And for these 7 usernames I need 7....

That's my twitter account smacking me in the head.

...passwords.
And one may remember a username forever, but one will never-ever remember a password associated with a username if said username is unused for a month. Of course, you'll have a general idea of what it could be, since our tiny brains can only come up with a few passwords, but you'll have to hit and try and enter captcha a few times before getting it right.

If you're a human-being, which you're probably not, this is the most irritating thing on the www.

Nowadays they ask you to register for everything. And even though you can use the same e-mail id or username at most places, its not good practice to use the same password. And since the world is now simultaneously a member of everything, everything, even this its becoming a vicious cycle. The more accounts you make, the more passwords you have, the more passwords you forget, and therefore the more accounts you make. Its ridiculous, and I think they should converge all your id's into one neatly packed little box online. Slay the capitalist internet!

3,004,343,331 people have 14,233,122,11 id's. After reading this, Microsoft executives are now waiting for Apple to make a software analogous to The Unified Field Theory in science.

The Bournville Ghana Ad

There's this Bournville advert being broadcast on television for the past few months now which has strong currents of racism that no one has addressed. I am talking of course of a rather dumb looking 'cocoa' inspector who makes his way down to Ghana to buy 'the perfect cocoa' off of cocoa traders who assemble in front of him, all trembling and backward, watching this pretty ordinary 'white' man's every move as he sifts through every piece of cocoa, and decides its fate.

Secretly a KKK member.

The collective draws of breath as he examines the cocoa bean and rejects it with a resounding 'He's nothing'. This is followed by the embarrassed silence of the cocoa traders, did I mention they were stereotypically poor black men, stereotypically dressed like the slaves in Gladiator, and I tried searching for a screenshot of them on Google and came up blank. All that was available was this photo which hopefully brings my point across.

Not Ogilvy and Mather's finest moment.

The ad is produced by O&M, who have come up with timeless ads over the years, like this Guinness ad. Its classy, non-offensive and eye-catching. The Ghana ad is just imperialistic, and it rather takes your mind off eating a Bournville.
In reality, Cadbury, which is now owned by Kraft Foods, Australia, has actually pledged a Fairtrade agreement to cocoa producers in Ghana. In 2011, Cadbury used a fifth of its profit to help these producers. Despite all the criticisms about its lack of effectiveness, Cadbury's involvement in this pledge shows that it is genuinely cares about the socio-economic status of cocoa planters.
That may well be the case, but with this racist and imperialist ad they have lost my faith, and the faith of many Bournville fans around the world. Earning a Bournville now for me is just another way of saying 'I'm a racist pig'.

92% of you will switch channels the next time the ad is on.
Extra reading.

Why Germany are King, Part I

Germany, despite mostly being famous for breeding a mass murdering nut-job and for having a big wall in the middle for almost 3 decades, is also home to some fantastic automobile companies, beer and Heidi Klum. And therefore, we forgive it.
Germany is definitely one of the most popular teams in football. Not that they're exceptionally skilled or anything, but they're very pleasing to watch and easy to support. Its easy to see why the girls root for them. But even for people who are actually interested in football, Germany is a fascinating team. It has history, it has a highly successful league system (3rd best in Europe), one of the more loyal fan bases and an envious amount of talent. But also its called die Mannschaft, which is German for 'the man shaft'. That's half the battle won.

Girl Wet Dream Material.

Their game has always been of a Northern style, direct and predictable, but immensely efficient. Their defense has always been solid. The German Wall, some pundits call it. But since Joachim Loew took over, he's made this team something it never quite was. Exciting. The transition from Klinsmann's 'We will smash the Poles through the wall!' to Loew's 'Football is not a martial art!', is huge. And hugely welcome.

Süddeutsche Zeitung, German for nose-picker.

And anyone who watched the 2010 World Cup will agree that Germany were the most inspired team of the lot. They played exceptional football, and even though Spain beat them, unconvincing though the victory was, they more than deserved their 3rd spot.

To be continued...
678,930 fence-sitters and 76,343 Spanish supporters now root for Germany.

"Group" 's "of death" in retrospect

I apologize for the placement of the apostrophe in the title. I had no idea how to write it. But I hope it gets the meaning across. This is a declaration by me, telling you, the un-informed user, which Groups in the history of professional football (ie. since I can remember) rank as the top Group's of Death.
The oldest tournament I can remember is the '98 FIFA WC Finals. If you claim to remember older tourney's, then you Sir, are a lying, cheating, Google surfing scum. My interest in international football was aroused by a video game, as can be expected for any self-respecting 8 year old. I played the game on some forgotten elder cousin's computer (since we didn't have one of our own). And the game was FIFA '98, Road to the World Cup or just FIFA '98. This is one game everyone remembers playing. Mostly like me, on some older cousin's computer.

Not the version I played.

But I don't even faintly remember the groups. I only remember Ronaldo having a seizure before the match, Zidane scoring twice and some guy getting a red card.
I didn't watch the Euro 2000, so my story starts from the 2002 WC.
1. Group F in 2002 WC: Argentina, England, Sweden, Nigeria. Sweden and England eventually qualified, dumping Argentina in the process. All because of a penalty awarded to Sweden against Nigeria. However there was a bigger upset in the tournament as favourites and defending champs France were unceremoniously chucked out by Senegal.
2. Group D in Euro 2004: Czech Republic, The Netherlands, Germany and Latvia. Germany lost to Czech Republic after a poor show against the Latvian, thanks to the heroics of a certain Milan Baros (hot property of that year).
3. Group E in WC 2006: Lets be honest. The only match we remember from this WC was the Portugal-Netherlands match. Portugal eventually won, 1-0, but not before this dude ----->

I'm badass, and now you free world bastards know it.

sent off 4 players and handed 16 yellow cards. For the ignorant amongst us, a football game can only involve 28 people at a maximum (considering 3 substitutions per side). There were two groups that were supposed to be the group of death, but considering Ivory Coast and Czech Republic were the only half-way decent teams eliminated, no one gives a damn.
4. Group C in Euro 2008: Italy, France, Netherlands, Romania. Yes, Rank 1,2 and 4 amongst European teams. Also 8 for Romania. But more importantly, both 2006 WC finalists in one group. And needless to say the French Toads got fucked. And how. Ended up at the bottom of the table. Scored 1 goal in the entire tournament. Well, at least they didn't lose to Romania. Vive la France.
5. Group G in World Cup 2010: None. Most evenly balanced pool distribution of all time.
6. Group B in Euro 2012: Germany, Netherlands, Portugal, Denmark. All of them finalists, and 3 out of 4 have won the tournament at least once. And already, The Netherlands are pretty screwed.
Which are your favourite GoD's?

3,800,434,765 football fans in the world today.
Disclaimer: I admit, I didn't remember any of the groups for the other tournaments either. I am a lesser lying, cheating, Google surfing scum myself.

On why programming sucks

This is one of my favourite write-ups. I wrote this when I was struggling with a complicated program that had a number of bits and pieces I couldn't get my head around.
Its a bit of a rant.
Here goes.

Programming sucks.
Why?
Because
a) You can solve most problems that approach intractable complexity using your brain, a zillion times faster than any damn supercomputer.
b) Most IDE's give you code that is absolutely unmanageable, you change one line, and BOOM your entire program is screwed.
c) Sometimes the compiler doesn't work. A little part of me dies when that happens.
d) Then the compiler still doesn't work, and I lose some head-hair.

Why most coders are bald, ugly gits.

e) I wish there weren't so many ways to create the same GUI. I take a day to decide which one is the easiest.
f) When you write a huge statement, and leave out a tiny bracket in between, its hell. IDE's should develop an auto-correction option.
g) Once your program is made, you realise you still have to run it. And that scares the shit out of me.

Moment of truth, don't pee your pants this time.

h) If your program runs correctly, then you have more coding to do.
i) If your program doesn't run correctly, then you have more coding to do.
Ergo, programming is the bane of life. I don't see how people do it for a living.
C'est la vie. :)

1,140,900,546 people in the world have computers. 343,987 have written code. 5,697 programmers quit or commit suicide every year.

10 Reasons European Commodes score over Indian Ones.

Yes. You saw that right, I am now going to throw away all attempts at maintaining respectability on this blog and write about why I prefer European Commodes.
A western toilet is a safe haven at home to every body who reads, writes, smokes or masturbates. Look at the facilities it provides- a chair-like support at the thigh with a huge opening through which you can rattle your shit in. When I say rattle, I mean spew. Shit doesn't make a rattling sound, you moron.
So here are my 10 reasons why Western Commodes are preferable. With justifications.

1. The position: A WC is ergonomically designed for the comfort of the user. People with poor flexibility, arthritis or bad backs have a hard time squatting to take a dump.

Fuck, that doesn't explain anything at all. But this, does.

2. The view: The fact that you're sitting on top of your shit makes it very difficult for you to actually see it. In the Indian style, your deuce just lies there, for the whole world to see(if you forget to flush).
3. Less destructive: The total value of things I've dropped into the Indian Commode would have bought me a PS3 by now. It devours everything that hovers above it or falls near it, not only your crap. Its a fucking black hole. Need proof, here it is and I shit you not.
4. Shag space: If one ever needed privacy at home, one simply sauntered into the loo with a magazine or a device that played video.
5. Un-interrupted connectivity: Step 1- wi-fi your house. Step 2 - take your laptop/cell-phone EVERYWHERE you go.

If therere ever was a guy with a big L on his face.

6. Safer environment: Apart from not loosing your things to a black hole, you'll also never slip while getting up or sitting down on a Euro-loo.
7. More value for money: If we define value for money by the number of hours we spend sitting on a loo to the cash we spend on it, then the Euro-loo out strips the Indian by a colossal margin. I've spent a quarter of my life on these babies.
8. A place where knowledge is free: I'm not trying to boast, but I've started and finished more books in a loo than most people ever read in their lives. Wait, that actually sounds like I have no life. WHY GOD, WHY?

Heaven.

9. Puff, puff, puff it till you puff yourself to death: Well this is true for any toilet with an exhaust fan, but when you can do so it total comfort, safe in the knowledge that if you do die in the next five minutes, you'll be seated gracefully on a pot rather than sprawled out all over the floor with your head in the loo.
10. You can drive this shit: Imagine taking a dump while breaking a world record. You don't believe me? What have I done to earn this skepticism.

The only verifiable fact in this article. Jolene van Vugt, 'The Nitro girl', at 46mph.

Euro-loo's rule.

4,986,855,755 people around the world use a European style loo. The rest use Mother Nature.

What the Japanese are doing right

The Japanese people are some of the politest, most patriotic people you’ll ever find. And that’s where they’re outdoing everyone. They have managed to mix an Americanesq sense of individual freedom, and combine it with a sense of social responsibility to make one heck of a combo.

Another thing Japan has going for them is earthquakes. Cause man, there’s nothing like a natural disaster to bring people close together. There are so many earthquakes in Japan in a day that people have gone from clutching each other in panic to showing God the middle-finger. And a collective middle-finger from the 130 million odd people in Japan is one heck of a bonding factor. And earthquakes are fun for tourists too. Your bum shakes about in whatever it happens to be lying on, its an incredible feeling.

Sometimes you wonder whether a people can really be so submissive, yet so bound to honour and country. I mean these chaps don’t think twice about cutting their own guts out (it’s called Hara-Kiri). If you believe the movies that come out of this great country, its almost a national pastime. They are in the top-ten in the world when it comes to suiciding. Is that a word? Should be. At least in Japan. But maybe thats because they are just too happy with themselves. All that smiling is bound to take a toll. Look at Chucky. Or Jim Carrey.
Also on the list of what Japan is doing right is Judo. I mean, why would anyone mess with a country where the kids are taught how to choke windpipes with their palms before they learn how to walk?

There are also huge collections of manga and hentai everywhere, and kinky little sex shops for the deviants who can’t get enough of hand on man action. And the country is famous for sparkly stuff that make weird noises. No not the girls, though they do that too. Stuff like video games, cell-phone covers, cars. Funny stuff aside. Japan has the worlds best roller-coasters, and the most symmetrical mountain the world. Also its pretty darn easy to climb, and then you can boast to the world that you climbed a mountain, and they’ll think you’re cool instead of the fat tub of lard that you really are. So if I were you. I’d go to Japan for a few days. Soak in the patriotic spirit, grab beers (and asses) at Roppongi, and then watch the sunrise from Mt. Fuji, reflecting on what a waste your entire life has been.
Did I mention holidaying there is dead cheap?
–Dark Master–
97.5% of all people who read this post will only ever go to Japan because of the last line.

Its a volcano, but its not going to blow any time soon.

Happiness is (not) overrated

I’m not the happy ball yet.

Before we get down to philosophical debating,  I feel I should probably tell you in short what I shall be blabbering about in the near future. What I believe the topic intends to convey is that the thought that our purpose in life is to attain happiness is bullshit. And I am here to convince you its not.
Happiness isn’t over-rated. It is the main motivating force to most of human endeavour. Our whole existence is pointed at one single aim, to be happy. Happy here means a lot of things, a lot of different feelings rolled into one word. It means a state of satisfaction, and good cheer, it means a place in your life where you feel fulfilled. And that is difficult to aim for.
The ideal happy person would be confident, not in the least bit insecure, a little reckless and very motivated. One may argue that a wholly satisfied individual would no longer find it necessary to carry out a task, since he is always happy. But I refute that, happiness is like a drug. Once you taste it, you strive for it. Your whole body aches for it. When you aren’t happy you are constantly restless, on the lookout for the next fix. The ideal happy person would thus be motivated, not by the need for satisfaction, but for the need to remain happy.
I seem to have used the words happy a lot. I hope it hasn’t led you to believe that happiness is easily attainable. Because its not. Most puny individuals like us struggle in a desperate bid for it. Argue as you may, even the most masochistic person in the world feels a tinge of jealousy when another person lights up in a bright smile.
The Mahatma said that “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” You realise the truth in his words when you pause to reflect upon the little things that have ever made you happy. Like saying you’ll get a 8 pointer in your exams, and then going and getting it. Or by deciding to go for a walk everyday and then doing it. These little things make you proud of yourself, in what we perceive is a stupid way. But it isn’t. It is amazing to feel that way, everyday. The feeling that you’re doing something worthwhile, albeit only for yourself.
Popular culture has made being unhappy a romantic thing. Left and right, everywhere you see, people are desperate to prove they’re worse off than you. In colleges everybody has studied lesser than you, in their childhood everyone has had strict parents or parents that never really ‘understood’ them. Misery is the new ‘in’, its a common ground for everyone, the revel in it. They smoke endless cigarettes just to reinforce it, some jackasses make marks on their wrists to deal with it, some even take it a step further and end their lives.
People find it hard to let go of the novelty of sadness, Chuck Palahniuk (author of Flight Club) says that “It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”
I leave you with this thought. Many of the great writers, the artists, the poets, the philosophers, the scientists that we’ve heard of lived in a great deal of pain, they were oppressed beyond belief, and their art, or talent was their only emotional outlet. It was the only thing that made them feel happy, that relieved the pain. If these great people struggled for that little bit of happiness, who are we to deny it? Who are we to say happiness is overrated?
–Dark Master–
7,018,109,306 people in the world are mostly unhappy. The one remaining guy is the yellow ball.

True Story.

Fits and starts

Most of my time goes by nowadays in reflection. I reflect on my childhood, on what I've grown to become and what I wish I was. Blogging was a very small part of my childhood. When I first decided to start blogging, I was a pimply teenager looking for a place to vent himself. I never had high expectations from my writing, and I knew that my parents would in all probability be my most regular visitors. But I loved writing, and story-telling, and outlining the confusion in my head. Maybe, in a pimply teen-aged kind of way, I was putting myself out there in the hopes some one would pay heed to me, and tell me what was what.
That didn't happen.