if only...

i am tired of if's. if only i could get a grip on things. if i could just figure out what i want. i used to be so sure, now i feel unprepared for life. i don't know the cause. but i know the effect. i feel unrest, i feel tired when i normally would feel delighted. i feel angry, i feel sad. if only i could claw my way back to sanity.
there is a huge part of me that is fighting with the other, smaller weaker part. obviously the weaker part doesn't feel all that happy about it. what surprises me is that the big part of me is also pretty gloomy about the whole affair.

it's because i'm not studying, this always happens to me when i don't read or do something academic.
now if only i could realize whether its because i miss it, or because i am guilty.
maybe that will sort things out.